Another level of submission
I posted almost a year ago (Sept 3 “Joseph and the Pharaoh”) about the challenges I faced when Richard took over running our home. Honestly, it was one of the hardest tests of submission for me.
I know it sounds ridiculous – “Oh, no, please don’t take over cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming, Cruel Master!” But I’ve been in charge of running my home throughout my adult life, and handing over that responsibility to someone else was hard. Really hard. It’s hard to feel submissive to someone when they are PUTTING THE GLASSES ON THE WRONG SHELF FOR GOD’S SAKE.
Over the course of the year I have gradually become comfortable with giving up control of homemaking to Richard. I still do most of the gardening, most of the “event planning”, and most of the organizing (he just doesn’t notice if books are put away upside down or sideways). I also pay the bills and make most of the financial decisions, although I always check with Richard before doing anything major (eg switching credit cards, opening an online savings account, or making a large purchase).
My financial responsibilities have been a bit wearing. We are in good financial shape, and I never pay anything late, or anything like that. But we aren’t really saving like I think we should be, and I think we are eating out too much and spending money on things that we don’t really need. The main problem, as I see it, is that neither Richard nor I have ever been the “brakes” in a relationship. We both are somewhat impulsive and enjoy change, and we have a whole lot of fun together. Neither of us wants to be the one who says “let’s NOT go out, let’s just eat at home” or “let’s not have wine with dinner” or “we don’t really need that new (whatever)”.
Neither of us has expensive tastes and we tend to want to buy things more for the other person than ourselves (Richard wants me to have more clothes; I want him to have more photography supplies). And, again, we’re actually on very solid financial footing. I just think we could do better, and it’s been bothering me a lot because I feel like I am shirking my responsibilities.
Richard brought up the possibility of taking over the finances a few times, but I felt too guilty to pursue it and he was (I think) unwilling to push me on it. A few days ago he brought it up again, probably because he could see how much it was bothering me. I chewed on it for a couple of days and then let him know that I was ready.
Yesterday, we sat down together and I walked him through our system – the online accounts, the files, etc. I reviewed everything I do regularly and explained what I was aiming for. I gave him all the passwords.
He listened and asked questions and then, when I’d covered everything, he took a stack of filing and went through everything. Since I got sick in December, I haven’t caught up on the financial filing and it was quite a stack. He worked through the whole thing, asking me questions when he didn’t know where something went.
When he finished, I thanked him and then I started crying. I was so surprised – he was too – but I think I’ve been more stressed about this than I had been letting on. I felt (feel) so grateful to him for being willing to take over this. I kept saying “thank you, thank you so much Daddy” and then I’d start bawling again. He just held me and patted me and said “It’s okay. It’s my job to take care of you.”
I’m hoping that this will take some pressure off, and I’m hoping that I will get some kinky pleasure out of submitting to his financial decisions. Maybe I’ll even get an allowance. : ) For now, I still feel a little panicky about not being in control of when bills are paid, etc. I just keep reminding myself of how hard it was when he first started taking care of our home, and how wonderful that has been for me (basically doubling my work productivity!)
I’d love to hear how other couples have dealt with this, and what works best for them.