Hi guys! Bet you didn’t expect to see another post from me here. This should teach you to let me remain part of your blog! [insert delighted smirk here]
Readers, you might remember Amy mentioning that when she started exploring BDSM, I had the wonderful pleasure of guiding her a little bit, as I’ve been in the lifestyle for nearly a decade. I’ve noticed that she praises my wisdom far too much. Here’s a peek at the dynamic reversed!
Let’s go back a year in time. I was half a year shy of the end of my 6 year marriage to my former Master. I was confused and unsure of which way to go. I was done with my post-divorce/release phase of “done with D/s”, and the phase of claiming to be a new-born lesbian, and was in the process of moving 3000 miles to give a new relationship a try. I was very fascinated and hopeful about this guy, and also a little hesitant because some of the things he wanted were things that I was strongly considering moving away from, but I wanted to give it a fair try. I was also very excited about living 6 hours away from Amy, instead of on the other side of the continent!
I remember Amy and Richard visiting with us at the very beginning. Even as we were quite new in the relationship, we already had the dynamic down and were quite hard core both S&M wise and protocol wise, and both bruises and demeanor were firmly in place upon their arrival. I remember Amy writing a very sweet entry about the visit, and I remember her telling me that she felt like a novice, compared to what she saw there.
And I remember that I saw it very differently. If anyone felt like a novice, it was me. I might have the kneels, the posture, the demeanor, the backing away respectfully, and so forth, down… but my heart wasn’t quite with it. I was still trying to find my place, my comfort zone, my sense of belonging. Everything I did, I did with a deep seated fear of not doing it right, and was obsessing over the fact that I could never quite seem to get it down intuitively and smoothly enough. I was always just a little late realizing that his glass was nearing empty, always a little too clumsy as I was backing away, and I couldn’t relax to save my life.
And I saw Amy and Richard cuddled up on the couch. They weren’t that old in their relationship either, I think they had just passed their first six months of living together. But I saw Amy predict Richard’s needs before he even knew he needed anything. Not because she was obsessively watching his glass with a deep fear of failing to notice when it was nearing empty, like I was with my dom, but because she was so in tune with him that she just knew. I saw her spontaneously feed him from her fingers, and I saw him feed her. They were giggling, their love apparent in everything they did. I was thinking that Amy was so much more a natural slave than I was, because she acted so naturally out of love and celebration, rather than in that obsessive worryful way that I was doing it. (Later I realized that she maybe didn’t really do everything “right”, but she did it “right enough”, and seen through the perspective of his loving eyes, it WAS right. Not because she is perfect (even though she is!!!), but because he loves her, and he recognizes the pure devotion she feels for him and his wellbeing – as he feels for her as well.)
I remember thinking, I hope I will have what they have one day. Because that’s what it’s all about.
It didn’t happen with that dom. I never quite managed to get past focusing on all the things I was doing wrong, obsessing about not measuring up, trying so hard to avoid disappointing him, feeling like I was constantly being measured in a “not quite gonna make it” kind of way. In hindsight I realize that I lacked the awareness to pinpoint this, and in the heat of my desperation to try not to fuck up, I definitely was not aware of how counter-productive the negative focus was as opposed to the positive focus I have today.
It’s funny how you can do something, and do it really well, impressively well – and still not actually “getting it”. I started in a medium protocol relationship with gorean undertones, and moved to more protocol, even though I had already started wondering if that was something that really worked for me. It was all I really knew, and I had a hard time understanding how I could still feel like a slave without having a myriad of rituals to remind me. And this was part of the reason why I was feeling lost and confused.
I needed to see a different way, and see it work, and see it give the results that I really wanted.
And that is what I saw, when I moved down to stay with Richard and Amy for a while. Don’t get me started on the huge amount of love and spoiling I got there, because that’s not what this entry is about, but it sure helped heal me, extremely quickly at that too. What this entry is about, however, is their dynamic and how it inspired and influenced me and got me onto the right track. How they taught me in the best way – by example.
It started at that visit I mentioned up there, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. During my too few months with them, I started seeing D/s in a different light, a light that actually fit me much better than my “previous lives”. Their dynamic is just so.. ALIVE.. free flowing, filled with a constant, active energy. They really don’t have much protocol as far as I’ve noticed, and the reason why I am mentioning this protocol stuff so much is for two reasons: one because I needed that epiphany in order to be open for the right type of relationship for me, and second because what triggered this post in the first place, was an entry that Amy wrote several months back, about them not having a “normal” D/s relationship, not “scening”, and so forth. And I was so triggered and upset by it, because I see what Richard and Amy have as being FAR more evolved than that, and I just wanted to shake her and tell her “why on earth would you want to go BACKWARDS???”.
Watching the playfulness between Richard and Amy, seeing how they managed to be goofy and head over heels in love, vulnerable with each other, shamelessly adoring each other, and just really living life with so much joy and passion, and seeing how this all just fueled the D/s aspect of their relationship instead of somehow making it less “real”, that was the real eye opener for me. Realizing that it was possible to have a really deep, fulfilling, complete, passionate and meaningful D/s relationship without the rigidness of protocol and rituals, that the lack of rituals and protocol didn’t mean loss of power exchange, or anything less intense.
And it was a big relief, to realize that it was OK to do this without all the “demonstrating acts” that I had been trained to perform. That not only does submission remain and blossom in the submissive, but that the dominant also “gets it”, that he can feel the submission through other ways and still feel satisfied. Wow. To be able to serve so much more purely from the heart, instead of the brain! I realize that to some people rituals and protocol works GREAT – but for a scatterbrain like me, I end up focusing so much on attempting to not forget details that I lose the greater picture. Of course it also helps to have a dominant who loves and adores you so much that it’s hard to do anything wrong, because they just see your heart and devotion and think you’re cute when you’re being silly!
To me, what has always been the most important thing to a D/s relationship, is love. Deep, passionate, crazy love. I’m not truly a slave to someone, until I love them with heart and soul. I also need to be loved back. And I realize that my demands are getting quite high here… I want kink, I want playfulness, AND I want love! AND a family. AND… well, more! And it’s tempting to give up and think that one has to settle… “well, three out of five will probably do…” But luckily Richard and Amy helped me in that regard too, again through example. They really inspired me to not lower my expectations, and to keep believing that it’s not only possible, but necessary – and that I should have it. Nothing less would do. (I’m sure you can all imagine them scrutinizing the suitors, and agreeing with each other that NOBODY was good enough for their Megan! LOL)
And then, one day this very special man showed up on my door. I have never in my 33 year life fallen instantly head over heels for anyone, nor believed in that “first sight” kind of thing, but it happened that day. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I wanted. I suspected it before I met him, from what I had encountered of him through emails and phone calls, but the moment my soul connected with his, I just knew. (And if I’d read this paragraph a year ago, I’d have laughed my ass off and shook my head with amusement and lack of belief in that such things are real.)
That was the end of March, over 7 months ago. I’m still shamelessly, recklessly happy and in love. I’ve tried over a dozen times to write this paragraph, but I just can’t do this justice. I am just amazed at how it’s possible to be this happy. I don’t even know how to describe us. It really is like a dance, a beautiful, exciting dance. And it’s so smooth, so natural, so real, so unique, so “us”. He’s a poly sadistic dominant, and I’m a playful masochistic submissive – but that’s just the basis that we’re building our dynamic on. We’re taking some parts to the extreme, dropping other parts, and introducing whatever turns us on. And at the same time just digging the hell out of each other and having each others’ back.
And I’m just so grateful to Richard and Amy for pushing me lightyears ahead in gaining the consciousness I needed in order to allow this relationship to fall into its own place, and have the peace and openness to let it grow into something that is so unique and purely “us” instead of thinking that we “have” to do one thing or another. By focusing on the passion (and amazing, killer sex!!), and letting it grow into love, the D/s part just naturally flowed into place, and I find myself in such a scary, overwhelming OWNED kind of state that I’m lost for words. And the kick ass part of that is that I’m there, while still being absolutely, purely “me”, with scattered brains, a really goofy sense of humour, moments of evilness, and all those things that I have to some extent or another tried to tone down in other relationships, because I was so worried about not being pretty enough in my service. I’ve even gone back to college, with his amazing support and understanding, and I’m able to enjoy my studies without feeling that I am somehow not serving him well enough, by having such time consuming third party interests.
Thank you guys, for being such a loving and inspiring part of my life. I really, truly love you guys.